Okay, I’m here. I got a couple of minutes between naps so I’ll give you some first impressions.
First of all, Mom, I gotta tell you that was one wild ride, easily the craziest Saturday night I’ve ever had. It’s only, like, less than a foot to travel, but it’s an amazing journey.
Oh, and the thing about getting wrapped up in our umbilical cord? I was just messing with you. The labor process was going kind of long, I thought the storyline was dragging, so I punched things up. Hope it worked for you.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, because I’m a baby and a nonlinear thinker, and also because it’s hard to type with these small fingers and not think about breast milk. More on that later.
I think the spicy Thai food to get our labor started was a good choice. Sorry about the 1:50 Friday morning wake up with our water breaking. I didn’t mean to do that. I was just poking around and the next thing you know, it’s Niagara Falls. I think you made some good choices moving around the house and trying different labor positions. Assigning the cat to watch over filling the birth pool was … interesting.
After all the hard work we did at home, I’m totally ok with you moving our thing to the hospital. I’m a big guy, eight pounds, 13 ounces, 21 and a half inches tall. We needed a little more help. By the way, all those newborn clothes and diapers that you got for me? That’s all going to last me about two days before you have to go back to Target and get me some real clothes. Just saying.
At the hospital, we were met at three the next morning by a great team who were surrealistically kind for that hour. Mom slept for a while, labored for a while, my head was getting squished, people were cracking jokes to loosen up the room, my mother was cursing and then the next thing I knew the doctor caught me on the way out. Just as I was taking my first breath (there’s this stuff called air – it’s pretty good) a team of pros seemed to appear out of nowhere like Navy SEALS to give me a rubdown, a hit of oxygen, a couple of tests. My mom looked on adoringly, which was nice. Then I got to hang out with her for a while, which was better.
The team exited out the window using bungee cords and grappling hooks, which I thought was overkill, but I wasn’t directing this picture. I glanced at the clock. It was 5:54 Saturday evening. I had arrived on my due date, so my dad says they’re expecting this kind of on-time behavior going forward. Ha! I will be starting a big file labeled Dumb Ass Jokes My Dad Makes.
This is a family blog, so I feel awkward writing in detail about breast feeding, but I can tell you that, man the stuff is really GOOD. Really hits the spot after spending the whole day climbing the evolutionary ladder. We start as fish living in liquid, push out onto land, poop everywhere like monkeys, walk upright as we become homo erectus, and then assume credit card debt.
I don’t know yet how I’ll be making a living in 2032, but I realize that you have to learn to crawl before you can code. I will focus on crawling. Did I mention breast milk? I am working on that too.
Let me close out my first blog by thanking everyone involved in this thing. My father, for providing genetic material and overall guidance. The heroic work of my mom, for building me, sustaining me, believing in me, singing to me, and moving me out into this world. My midwife, midwife’s assistant, day nurses, night nurses, delivery doctor, Navy SEAL baby toners, lactation consultants, pediatrician – you’ve all done a fantastic job. I would thank my agent and publicist, but I don’t know what those are yet.
Well, gotta get back to sleep now. See you.