I am very close to achieving something huge. It’s called crawling. You just move your right arm, then your right leg, and then your left arm and your left leg, or it is your left leg first, then your right arm, then your left leg, then your arm – never mind. You can’t think about it. You just have to do it.
I’m very excited about it because when I master it, it will guarantee that I will be able to get over to the most scummy thing in the room and suck on it before anyone can stop me. Every day I tumble and roll my way over to the wheel of my stroller, which is teeming with bacteria, detritus, plant matter, sidewalk, and who knows what else, and open my mouth to drink it in like a fine Merlot. But always, or nearly always, somebody stops me.
This will soon be a thing of the past.
I will have the freedom to suck on the cat’s tail if I so desire, because crawling, I don’t have to tell you, is very, very fast. There’s a race called the Daytona 500 that involves crawling, I am fairly certain. Crawling is a Super Power akin the capability of throwing thunderbolts or being able to freeze people in place. Crawling is like writing The Hobbit or the Magna Carta. Crawling is on the level of discovering Salk, Madame Curie, Beyonce and Adele for the first time. Crawling is better than a duet between Beyonce and Adele, produced by T Bone Burnett and recorded at Electric Lady Studio, where Hendrix recorded. Crawling is better than any James Bond movie, especially the ones with Timothy Dalton. But that’s a gimmie, an easy achievement, and a cheap shot cultural reference for the baby boomers who read this blog.
Once I can crawl, there will be no limit to what I can accomplish. I will be unstoppable, able to traverse the entire living room in seconds rather than minutes, able to make it into the kitchen where my meals are prepared and demand more food, and very possibly, crawl out the front door. If I achieve that I will have enough material for my first children’s book. I am willing to do it all. Just you watch. Once I can crawl I will change the world.
Oh, this just in. I just heard about something else called crawling out of your crib and scaring the crap out of your parents in the middle of the night. Adding to my to do list.