The other day I was walking around the house carrying a yoga strap and a poop in my diaper, and I realized it was amazing that I can walk. I can multitask as well, and that includes pooping and walking at the same time. The human body is a divine instrument, for sure.
It’s great when I multitask, but I am against it when my parents do it. The kind of multitasking they do is paying attention to each other when they should be paying attention to me. They should not be dividing their attention that way. At least, not without my permission.
By the way, does anybody know if you can fix a computer by pouring orange juice on it? I’d like to try this, because by fix a computer I mean render it completely useless. My parents divide their attention on phones, computers and an iPad (which rightfully belongs to me anyway.) It’s not that I am against technology. On the contrary, I think wooden blocks are great. But I am against my parents using technology when it takes their attention away from me.
Let’s go deeper with this argument, into love. They say the most important thing in a child’s life is the growing sense the child feels of his parents’ love for each other. They say a child draws confidence and strength from this, and by ‘they’ I mean a bunch of eggheaded psychologists who don’t know what they’re talking about.
A common suggestion from these oddballs is that parents should have something called a ‘date night,’ where they go out, away from the child, and rekindle their emotions for each other. I say to hell with that. Parents do not need to be with each other. They do not need to ‘rekindle’ anything. They need to carry the baby around whenever the baby wants it, even if their hip joint swells up to the size of a pumpkin, and they need to play hide and seek with the child even though it is bedtime, and they need to feed the child whatever they are eating, even if it means they are going to starve in the process. I may be wrong about all that intellectually, but it is how I feel, and my feelings are never wrong.
Now, I just read back what I wrote and it seems a little hardass. Let me back off a few things. If my parents starved because they were giving me all their food, it wouldn’t work at all. And if they want to go out on a date night once in a while, that would be okay, and by ‘once in a while’ I mean never, because what would I do on a Friday night without them? They simply have to understand that B.Y.O.B. means Bring Your Own Baby.